An Ode to Depression

            Jack Johnson's melancholic lyrics, "We're all as lonely as we wanted to be, we're just as lonely as we wanted to be," used to leave me confused. But after mulling it over for a long time, I finally realized something about myself. When I was depressed, I told myself I was constantly. When something went wrong, when I couldn't handle the day's events, when I experienced a break down, I would tell myself how lonely and depressed I was. In the depressed moments, I would even tell myself of the things I was struggling with, like food, body image, relationships, and social life. Almost like I was proving to myself that I was suffering.

            I would cry to myself on the couch, in bed, in the shower, in the corners of rooms, in the car. Always telling myself I was lonely and depressed. So as far as Jack Johnson's theory goes, I was as lonely as I was telling myself I was.

            Reflecting on Johnson's words I decided to stop telling myself I was depressed, and started telling the Savior I felt depressed. I had heard stories about people feeling crushed and broken, and that it was the kind of situation the Savior was good at fixing. So, I started telling Him aaaaaaaaaall my problems. I would cry to Him when I was on the couch, in bed, in the shower, in the corners of rooms, and in the car.

            And suddenly, my lonely life started feeling less lonely.

            I met a woman that goes to Lowe's to buy withering, dying plants at a discount price, then takes them home where she revives them into beautiful, blooming plants. When I saw her colorful, surviving plants I realized: this is what Jesus Christ's Atonement does for the withering soul. His divine nurturing brings souls back to life, like that woman's nurturing brings those plants back to life. Somehow, His divine power reaches souls, like the sunshine reaches those plants. Somehow, His divine power feeds souls back to health, like the rich soil feeds those plants back to health.

            I can sit in an airplane, buckle my seat belt, and enjoy an air conditioned flight across the world without knowing a thing about how the captain made it happen. I've done it several times. Just like I can communicate with the Savior in thought and prayer, and have my soul enjoy the healing power of His Atonement without knowing a thing about how He makes it happen. I've done it a lot.

            When I was lying on the couch aching to curl up and cry, I started crying to the Savior. Like others have asked for His help, I asked for His help. "Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek. Hide not thy face far from me [. . .] leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation," (Psalm 27:7-9).

            When I was staring at the computer searching through cyber depths for things it couldn't offer me, I decided to search instead, through thoughts, for the companionship of the Savior. "Unto thee will I cry, O Lord my rock; be not silent to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, I become like them that go down into the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications, when I cry unto thee," (Psalm 28:1-2).

            As a Redeemer, He's promised peace for the troubled heart (John 14:27). I experienced that peace when I decided to trust in His ability to heal, even though I didn't understand it, and when I searched for Him with my thoughts and prayers. Now, I claim what others have claimed:

"Blessed be the Lord, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth" (Psalm 28:6-7)

and

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see."